Sunday, October 11, 2009: Letting Go

We took Zoe on her first trip to Watson's Mill Bridge State Park today. She absolutely loved it. She enjoys the outdoors so much!! She has been doing really well lately and I think she is pretty much back on schedule and back to normal.

I am in the prcess of washing all of our clothes in Borax to remove a lot of the harmful dyes. Tomorrow, I need to call a carpet cleaner and see if I can get them to come down and clean ourcarpets in Borax and bleach to remove the harmful dyes from it. I'm definitely nervous about the bleach part!! Zoe is still taking 1ml of Fucoydon and Eternity and 1/2 ml of Junior Max a day along with her probiotic. I can't increase her Junior Max yet because she has started to have loose stools again.

So I have one more affirmation today and here it is:

I WILL let go of all of my grudges.

You may be wondering what this has to do with Zoe. Well, I'll explain.

Over the past few weeks, I've been asking myself what Sean and I have done to deserve such heartache over the past 2 1/2 years. First, his accident. Then, my heart failure. Now, Zoe's brain tumor. The answer I always came up with was nothing. We weren't bad people. We aren't bad people. But there was always something nagging me that maybe, just maybe, we had done something without even realizing it. I know that the beginning of our relationship was shady because we met when he was still married, but I truly feel that we were meant to be. Surely we've already paid for that lapse in judgement.

And then my mom talked to me yesterday about a book that she is reading. The book talks about holding grudges and how it could damage your life. That made me think. I hold a grudge; I hold a big grudge that seems to be getting bigger. So, I though some more. Negative thoughts go along with grudges. There have been A LOT of negative thoughts in this house that go along with this grudge. Could negative thoughts be something that brought illness upon our house and family? To be honest, I really don't know. I do know on thing, though. I had never in my life experienced the kind of heartache and sadness that I have experienced since I started holding this grudge.

The grudge that I hold is against Sean's ex-wife. There are many reasons that I hold a grudge against her. I hold a grudge for a lot of different reasons that I feel are valid, but it's still a grudge. And I am coming to realize that this grudge is harmful. It's harmful to me. It's harmful to Sean. It's harmful to Zoe.

I refuse to let it be harmful any longer!

I went through all of this explanation for one purpose. Today, I'm letting my grudge go. I've held this grudge through 2 1/2 difficult and heartbreaking years that I wouldn't trade for anything.

But I will no longer allow this grudge to affect my life or the lives of those around me. It just isn't worth it. I know that I can't drop this grudge instantly and without work. It will take effort. I'm sure it will take a lot of effort.

But I can do it!

I'm letting go of this grudge!!