Tuesday, September 29, 2009: Baby Steps

Last night was ROUGH!!

Zoe is still off of her schedule in a massive way. She was up until around 3AM. Not because she was upset about anything but because she thought it was playtime. I must admit that it was difficult to be upset about being awake when she was being so sweet. She would roll over onto her tummy and look up at me and smile and laugh. I'm not sure I would have traded that time for all of the sleep in the world. However, things did get very tough as I was sitting there watching her. I think I was too exhausted to control my thoughts and they began to run away with me.

I sat there watching her and crying.

I have faith that we will take the correct path and that she will be healthy, but I am still scared. I suppose it is just human nature to question ourselves and the decisions that we make. The "what if" game is a deadly one to play, but yet we still insist upon playing it. I don't want to play the "what if" game with Zoe. Heaven knows, I have already played it enough. What if I had noticed sooner? What if I hadn't decided to take her that day? What if she had had a seizure that had cause irreparable damage? Once more, I'm asking myself questions that will never be answered, can never be answered. Will I ever stop asking myself these questions? Or is that just another unanswerable question? I can only hope that one day questions will no longer be necessary.

I know that when we make the decision for Zoe's course of treatment, I will continue to question. Have I chosen the right path? Will this enable her to live a long and full life? Questions that one day can be answered and I can only hope and pray that the answer to both questions will be yes instead of no.

We continue to research varying treatments and I am sure that we will become better informed as the days and weeks pass. In the meantime, we are continuing to do all that we can to keep the bad stuff out and put the good stuff in.

I read an email to Tonya today about B17, a vitamin that I have heard the benefits of many times before now. I have been thinking of it ever since Zoe's diagnosis. However, I only know that you could eat apricot seeds and get it from there. But there is no way Zoe can eat apricot seeds!! She doesn't have any teeth! Fortunately, the email that I read today did have a link to a website where I can purchase it in pill form. From there we can crush it up and give it to her in her food. Or so we hope anyway! Fingers crossed! We are now searching to find dosing information for an infant.

Another decision made.

Lord may it be the right one.